Friday 2 October 2009

Things I said yesterday...

...and what they actually meant.

1. "No, thankyou". Trans: Do I really look like I can afford to knock back about 300 empty calories by adding whipped cream to my tall skinny (as in 'low fat', as in 'I'm watching the fat intake') hot chocolate to go? Is this some kind of a joke at my expense, Miss Skinny Bilinky Long Legs?

2. "Thankyou". Trans: Gosh, no, really, no. There is no need to actually stir the afore-mentioned hot chocolate, I like it when it's plain steamed milk on the top and disgustingly sweet undrinkable chocolate gunk at the bottom of the cup...

3. "Just a trim, please". Trans: please don't shear me like a sheep because I turned up 10 minutes early and made you cut short your lunch...

4. "No, that water temperature's fine". Trans: OW! OW! OW!

5. "That looks great!" Trans: Help! Got to get home as soon as possible and wash my hair into some kind of normal style rather than a futuristic bouffant hair-sprayed helmet. Where are my sunglasses so I can pretend I'm not me?

6. "Oh, that's a shame, Boy #1 will be disappointed. Let's reschedule the play date for a couple of weeks time." Trans: Thankyou! Thankyou! An afternoon with no scheduled activity? I think I might love you! Do you have a best friend, because I want to be it...

7. "Right. You don't want to fold up your napkin because it's boring. Well, sometimes I find cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, tidying your clothes, and doing the shopping boring too... So, please fold up your napkin." Trans: There isn't one. I actually said that.

What did you say? And what did you actually mean to say?


  1. I have directed the swathes of readers [snigger- maybe three] to your post for the day. It made me giggle. Thanks DG xx

  2. Oh Potty the things I mean to say and the things I do say always get horrendously muddled and the things I want to say rarely happen. Today the "I am writing a list of all the things I have to do" meant "I do not want to clean bricks so I am making it clear to you (Dear Charlie) that I really AM a busy woman and no I don't just sit up in my opffice and blog or look at other people's blogs nor do I ever leave comments - capice?"

  3. 'Of course I'll carry your bag for you' translates as 'what do you think I am? A bloody pack horse? I'm already carrying 3 rucksacks, some shopping with dog on lead and 2 small childrens hands to hold.'

    'oh ok, probably a good idea to change his trousers if he spilt water on them' translates as 'there is a tiny spot of water on them. That is nothing! At home they have to be sodden before I'll change them. It's only water after all. It'll dry. Have you seen my laundry pile at home. Do I need to add unnecessary clothes to it?'

    Oops, better step away from the keyboard. I'll be here all day. Love it!

  4. Tee hee.
    "Yes I have written the end of month report". Trans: Sh**, sh**, sh**, sh**
    "No you can't eat that sort of chocolate. It really is bad for children's teeth". Trans: And mummy wants it

  5. Yes, it's been one of those eeks here.
    Me:"Yes I'm very impressed this school"
    Thinks : get me out of here!!

  6. Jeepers, my spelling is rotten today!
    Sorry to lower the tone Potty!

  7. To Deputy Head of School
    'So what exactly does inappropriate behaviour mean?' Trans - 'OMG sweet mother of ..etc What has she done now?!!!'

  8. It´s called, speaking up for yourself, PM, and you will learn to do that one of these days and not be so awfully polite all the time. Are you waiting to be a grumpy old lady before you speak your mind? Be bold and brazen and do it now. I bet everybody will come to adore you.

  9. (In really sarky tone of voice) "No, no. Don't you worry about it. I'll do it myself."

    Meaning "Let me heap burning coals on your 8 year old head, because - obviously - that is far more effective than following through with my original request, and has the added benefit of modeling sarky grumpy old cow behaviour for you to copy."

    I felt bad afterwards, though.

  10. "WE need to get a move on". Trans: "JUST. PUT. YOUR. BLOODY. SHOES. ON".

  11. That's funny. I always say the water temperature is fine and get scolded. Yesterday I told my daughter (after she asked me) that having a baby was really easy, when actually I meant something quite different.

  12. Thanks DG!

    TW, are we twins?

    Brit, feel free to pick this ball up and run with it!

    Tara, now you just knew that second one would hit the spot with me, didn't you?

    Frog, you could never do that!

    MnS, yes, been there done that!

    Irene, I think I may have given you the wrong impression - just because I held back these times doesn't mean I always do!

    Iota, gosh, never felt bad about ANYTHING I said to my boys... (!)

    EPM, I'm not sure I wouldn't have said your second thing, actually. Minus the 'bloody'. Of course.

    RS - but you want grandchildren eventually, right, so I think a 'little' white lie is permissible?

  13. Hilarious PM, I'm going to put it on the fridge.

  14. Thanks MH - high praise indeed!

    VBH - thanks. Go, add your own - you know you want to!

  15. I love this! Made me really giggle. My husband says 'I'll drop them (the kids)off (to nursery) so you have some time to yourself'. And I say 'Thanks' but what I mean really mean is 'What time to myself? You mean to put a wash on, get the diswasher loaded, put the stinking nappies in the outside bin, have a shower and resemble a fairly decent professional person all in 30 minutes'.


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