Thursday, 22 January 2009

Stuff and Nonsense

(Don't say you weren't warned)...

Agenda (22nd January 2009)

Apologies for absence
Alpha Mummy
Sticky Fingers
Skating with nerve

Good evening, everyone. Do we all have seats? Settle down, settle down.

Now, do we all have the handouts? No? (Muriel, would you mind..? No, the lady at the back there. The lady with the flowery hat... No, not that lady, the one next to her. With the hat. With the CHEAP FLOWERY HAT! Yes, that's her. Thankyou. )

(You know, you really must turn on your hearing aid, dear...)

Right, shall we start? Let's see. Apologies... Mrs Blue-bottle called and said she wouldn't be able to make it this evening. Something to do with an electrical screen, I think. And Ms Moth is on her way but just needed to make a quick stop to pick up some candles - hopefully we'll see her shortly. (If there's a smell of burning when she arrives, can someone open the window at the back? Thankyou Mildred, lovely). And let's see... Oh yes. Ro and the rest of the Dent Family were hoping to make it but she rather feared they might be trapped... (Muriel, did she say where? I asked, did she say WHERE? Have you turned your hearing aid on yet, dear?)

Moving on...

Alpha Mummy at Times OnLine have been running a (what's this? A 'Carnival'? Like those things in Rio? But with more clothes, one would hope...? Oh, a coffee morning without the biscuits. I see. Though why one would have a coffee morning without the biscuits, I don't know. I SAID, without the BISCUITS, Muriel! Turn on your hearing aid, please!). Yes. That's it. Alpha Mummy have been hosting the Carnival this week.

Potty Mummy (ridiculous name, can't think why she chose it) apologises for not mentioning this earlier, but please could you click here (what on earth is she talking about, 'clicking' - is she knitting? I do hope it's better than her sewing... Took her years to finish that pin-cushion at school...) if you would like to take a look. Apparantly there are lots of excellent (what's this word? B-logg-ers? Bloggers?) Bloggers listed and she highly recommends you make a visit. (No, Muriel, you can't visit. They're all parents it seems, and you'll just scare the horses and children with that lip and your hearing aid...)

Next item. Sticky Fingers. (No, I haven't got sticky fingers, Muriel, and I'll thank you not to suggest I've been picking at the small eats. Well, I'm not the one with the pineapple and cheese nestling in my cleavage, am I?) That lovely girl Tara over at Sticky Fingers is running her own version of the Carnival, but this time it's for Daddy Bl-ogg-ers. (For DADDY BLOGGERS, Muriel. I do hope you're getting this down properly. Those comments about the Bankers in the minutes of last meeting were most unfortunate. And don't go blaming the type-writer keys; we all know 'b' and 'w' are nowhere near each other on the key-board...) Potty Mummy suggests we click here for more information, and asks if you can do that before Saturday 24th January as that is the deadline for submissions. ('Submissions', Muriel. No, that's nothing like the sort of thing we used to do in the nurses' hostel. Calm down, for goodness's sake. Mildred - can you fetch her a glass of water? And turn off her hearing aid...)

Our next point... Skating. (Skating?) Oh yes, skating. Everyone turn to their first handout, please. Yes, it is interesting isn't it? No, Jemima, it's not in Milford-on-Sea. One of our ex-pat correspondants forwarded us this photograph as an example of just how outlandish the Dutch can be when presented with a frozen lake.

Well, quite, Lady Shoreham. I don't know what they think they're doing, either. Something frivolous like 'having fun', I would imagine. At any rate, Potty Mummy thought it worth including as an example of why one really shouldn't cross the Channel at the best of times. (Well, I know she didn't put it like that, but clearly it's what she meant, Muriel.) Yes, Lady Shoreham. Far too much light-heartedness going on, by the looks of it...

And finally, Any Other Business. (Is there any? Any Other Business? Muriel? I said, is there any other business...? Well, turn it back on then. I said, turn it back on!)

Oh, for pity's sake. Meeting concluded. Thankyou everyone, and the next is to be held at Audrey Slug's delightful greenhouse. Oh, and just a housekeeping point on that one; be sure to leave your supplies of crushed glass and coarse-ground salt at home that evening as a matter of courtesy.

(Thank god that's over. Frightful old bores, the lot of them. Pass me the sherry, would you? And one of those cheese and pineapple sticks whilst you're at it. No, not the one from your cleavage, Muriel...)

Note: Normal service will be resumed shortly.


  1. That's hilarious!! I loved that post Potty Mummy! You really had me in stitches :o)

  2. Thanks Rachel. For some reason I was having a Joyce Grenfell moment... God only knows where that came from! (Too much Green & Blacks on an empty - ha! - stomach, probably...)

  3. Oh you've really found your milieu haven't you?

  4. So very funny Potty! Fortunately I had finished my coffee before I started reading. That was definitely a Joyce Grenfell moment. I remember those classroom pieces she used to do so well, a fitting tribute indeed!

  5. Read your post after a couple of glasses of wine last night and found it very surreal!

    V v funny.

  6. Brilliant.

    I think I've been to some of those meetings. What was Muriel up to with those (B/W)ankers I'd like to know?

  7. Iota - I sincerely hope not... But it does seem as if my inner WI chairlady was having a bit of moment...

    Sharon, it wasn't intentional, I swear. I suddenly found myself writing a boring post that was nothing so much as a list and decided it could do with a bit of spicing up. And this was the result.

    NVG, 'surreal' is a good word for it. I can think of plenty of lesss polite ones but thanks for saying you liked it!

  8. Mud, I don't know, but she always seems to come back with her sensible jumper on back to front when she meets up with them...

  9. Oh dear - all that and children too!

    I confess - I'll never be as funny as you. Thank God. I can just come here when I need a bit of a pickmeup.

  10. Bloody fantabulous post!

  11. You are so talented! Crack me right up! What was the name of that movie? Calendar Girls? I loved that movie. I hope that was the one about the older ladies who made the calendar and not the one about the stripper, because I was referring to the one about the older ladies, not the strippers. Ahem.

    Anyhow, this was so amazingly creative. I needed this laugh today!

  12. Aims, firstly, don't ever assume that. If you met me then you would be asleep from boredom within sec....(snore). See what I mean? Secondly, I think you have enough to deal with right now rather than worrying about entertaining. I, on the other hand, need to find the funny side or who knows what might happen?

    More Than, thankyou. High praise indeed!

    J's Mommy, that's EXACTLY the sort of meeting I was channeling. Exactly. If you like that sort of thing you should look into Joyce Grenfell if you didn't know her before. She died a few years back but did a whole load of sketches based on those sort of ladies and was (in a very dry and understated way) hilarious. Though interestingly her name didn't come into my head until after I finished writing this one...

  13. Tee hee.
    Reminded me a bit of the parent meeting at my son's school - and they're all only in their 40s!
    Either I'm really really young for my age or they need to lighten up a bit

  14. Tara, it's them, not you. Definitely. You are certainly not young for your age. Now, pass me that whoopee cushion, would you?

  15. Hee hee, do you think Muriel might crochet me an antimacassar? I have a feeling she might be a dab hand at such things. :D

  16. Thank you Potty Mummy - so funny. Just what I needed while I'm skiving from the housework. Are you breaking the Dysons this Saturday? Hope so...see you there :-D


Go on - you know you want to...