(Don't say you weren't warned)...
Agenda (22nd January 2009)
Apologies for absence
Skating with nerve
Good evening, everyone. Do we all have seats? Settle down, settle down.
Now, do we all have the handouts? No? (Muriel, would you mind..? No, the lady at the back there. The lady with the flowery hat... No, not that lady, the one next to her. With the hat. With the CHEAP FLOWERY HAT! Yes, that's her. Thankyou. )
(You know, you really must turn on your hearing aid, dear...)
Right, shall we start? Let's see. Apologies... Mrs Blue-bottle called and said she wouldn't be able to make it this evening. Something to do with an electrical screen, I think. And Ms Moth is on her way but just needed to make a quick stop to pick up some candles - hopefully we'll see her shortly. (If there's a smell of burning when she arrives, can someone open the window at the back? Thankyou Mildred, lovely). And let's see... Oh yes. Ro and the rest of the Dent Family were hoping to make it but she rather feared they might be trapped... (Muriel, did she say where? I asked, did she say WHERE? Have you turned your hearing aid on yet, dear?)
Alpha Mummy at Times OnLine have been running a (what's this? A 'Carnival'? Like those things in Rio? But with more clothes, one would hope...? Oh, a coffee morning without the biscuits. I see. Though why one would have a coffee morning without the biscuits, I don't know. I SAID, without the BISCUITS, Muriel! Turn on your hearing aid, please!). Yes. That's it. Alpha Mummy have been hosting the Carnival this week.
Potty Mummy (ridiculous name, can't think why she chose it) apologises for not mentioning this earlier, but please could you click here (what on earth is she talking about, 'clicking' - is she knitting? I do hope it's better than her sewing... Took her years to finish that pin-cushion at school...) if you would like to take a look. Apparantly there are lots of excellent (what's this word? B-logg-ers? Bloggers?) Bloggers listed and she highly recommends you make a visit. (No, Muriel, you can't visit. They're all parents it seems, and you'll just scare the horses and children with that lip and your hearing aid...)
Next item. Sticky Fingers. (No, I haven't got sticky fingers, Muriel, and I'll thank you not to suggest I've been picking at the small eats. Well, I'm not the one with the pineapple and cheese nestling in my cleavage, am I?) That lovely girl Tara over at Sticky Fingers is running her own version of the Carnival, but this time it's for Daddy Bl-ogg-ers. (For DADDY BLOGGERS, Muriel. I do hope you're getting this down properly. Those comments about the Bankers in the minutes of last meeting were most unfortunate. And don't go blaming the type-writer keys; we all know 'b' and 'w' are nowhere near each other on the key-board...) Potty Mummy suggests we click here for more information, and asks if you can do that before Saturday 24th January as that is the deadline for submissions. ('Submissions', Muriel. No, that's nothing like the sort of thing we used to do in the nurses' hostel. Calm down, for goodness's sake. Mildred - can you fetch her a glass of water? And turn off her hearing aid...)
Our next point... Skating. (Skating?) Oh yes, skating. Everyone turn to their first handout, please. Yes, it is interesting isn't it? No, Jemima, it's not in Milford-on-Sea. One of our ex-pat correspondants forwarded us this photograph as an example of just how outlandish the Dutch can be when presented with a frozen lake.
Well, quite, Lady Shoreham. I don't know what they think they're doing, either. Something frivolous like 'having fun', I would imagine. At any rate, Potty Mummy thought it worth including as an example of why one really shouldn't cross the Channel at the best of times. (Well, I know she didn't put it like that, but clearly it's what she meant, Muriel.) Yes, Lady Shoreham. Far too much light-heartedness going on, by the looks of it...
And finally, Any Other Business. (Is there any? Any Other Business? Muriel? I said, is there any other business...? Well, turn it back on then. I said, turn it back on!)
Oh, for pity's sake. Meeting concluded. Thankyou everyone, and the next is to be held at Audrey Slug's delightful greenhouse. Oh, and just a housekeeping point on that one; be sure to leave your supplies of crushed glass and coarse-ground salt at home that evening as a matter of courtesy.
(Thank god that's over. Frightful old bores, the lot of them. Pass me the sherry, would you? And one of those cheese and pineapple sticks whilst you're at it. No, not the one from your cleavage, Muriel...)
Note: Normal service will be resumed shortly.