How do I get into these situations, I wondered as I read the list of questions the lovely Jo Beaufoix sent over to cyber-interview me. Why on earth would I put myself through having to come up with entertaining answers that match the comedy value of the questions? What did I do to Jo in a past life that she might wreak this revenge on me? Oh yes. I do remember, now I come to think about it. I got myself into this particular situation when I asked her to include me on her interview list...
Well, here goes. I suggest you just read the questions - they are bound to be much funnier than my answers...
1. You are a very intelligent, articulate and witty woman. Is there any time in your life when this has got you into trouble?
Well, of course not. I'm far too tactful, 'intelligent', 'articulate' and diplomatic a person to do anything as silly as that.
There was that time when I lost my job over a smart comment made at a company meeting. And that other time when I damned near lost my subsequent job for the same reason. No, really Jo, I'ld rather not say what happened.
What, I have to? It was in the contract? The one that I signed in blood? Except I didn't, I used the inside of a black pudding, so, ha! (Sorry, in-joke). Anyway, I'll tell you about the first one otherwise I'll need to come up with my own post...
But not the second because it still makes my toes curl in shame, so that stays locked away in the box marked 'just about the stupidest mistake you ever made in an office and how the hell did you think you were going to get away with upsetting the office-manager in front of 150 people over his choice of a cowboy theme for the company Christmas Party.' Ooops.
Moving swiftly on - or back - to a company meeting maaaaaany maaaaany years ago. My then MD was wittering on about how, if we all worked just that little bit harder and made just that little bit more money, rewards would follow. What rewards? someone else wondered. "Well," he replied, "then I make more money." Silence, whilst we all took that in. I'm sorry? He makes more money? So I, being young(er) and foolish(er) opened my big mouth and asked "What about the rest of us?"
If ever there was a tumble-weed moment, that was it. And when redundancies were made a few weeks later, guess who's name was top of the list? Muggins here... As it turned out it really was for the best. But at the time I felt like wearing a t-shirt saying 'kick me' with an arrow pointing at my bum.
2. Who was your embarrassing teenage crush, and have they made a comeback (yet)?
The Beatles. And The Stones. Sorry - bit of a classic Brit pop girl. (And haven't I embarrassed myself enough with the answer to Question 1? If you want me to tell you about the Aha! poster on the wall, forget it. That's between me and Morten...)
3. If a cow could climb a tree, would it?
Well, I guess that would depend on whether it had it's hobnailed boots, Peter Storm cagoule and crampons to-hand. Obviously.
4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and why?
London - because it rocks. Seriously. I've visited some pretty fantastic places, but this town will always feel like home. We have rubbish weather, rubbish congestion charge (not for much longer), and, well, rubbish, but it's cosmopolitan population and ability to renew and regenerate always thrill me. I still get a buzz from just walking around it and just from setting foot on the tube, even after being here 22 years. I don't think our short-term plans necessarily include it, but long term, I'm a Londoner.
5. When the boys are both at full time school, have you any plans to return to your career or begin a new one?
Would love to return my career but, but, but... For me, it was always as much about the people as the job itself. And working in a London agency as I did, there's a huge turn-over of staff, so out of around 120 people in the building, 3 years on I now know around 5. Plus, I had to travel, which whilst it sounds glamorous (and occasionally was), was also a big pain in the backside. Missing a flight that would get me home in time for school pick-up whilst Husband was in Moscow / Madrid / Amsterdam / Important-ville is not a good way to live your life. So no. I don't think it will happen. It would have to be a new one.
If so, would you be:
a. a ballet dancer
b. a winkle seller
c. the pope
Well, the Pope, obviously. All that free red wine (admittedly, not great quality at the moment, but I would just get a better sommelier)... the snack food (have you ever tried a communion wafer?)... the great clothes (red and gold would definitely suit me. Though I might go for a more fitted version than the current incumbent)... plus, I'm a Catholic born and bred so I even know how to mumble the responses to the prayers convincingly... then there's the totty, of course... and actually, whilst we're on this, my great-grandmother's maiden name was Pope, so really, I'm surprised they haven't asked me already. Yep. Definitely the Pope.
That's your lot. If you would like to join in with this one then:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond to the first couple of replies - if I get that many - by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions - they won't be the same as above, more's the pity).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions