Monday 29 September 2008

Roll up! Roll up!...

...for the greatest answer to baby-broodiness you will ever hear of!

Oh yes indeedy, laydees! Are you reaching that 'certain age'? Do you find yourself casting wistful glances at cute little bundles of joy you pass on the street? Does the smell of newly washed baby cause you to cast all thoughts of caution to the wind?

In short, are you finding yourself afflicted by baby hunger when you know it would be madness to give in to it?

Fear not! I have the answer! No longer need you find yourself momentarily blinded to the pitfalls of re-entering the baby fog for a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or even (Madame Pig) a 5th time when confronted with those little packages of sweetness known as babies!

'What is it?' I hear you ask. 'Tell us, dear Potty! What is the answer? How can we rid ourselves of these pesky hormonal urges? Show me how to lock that dastardly Mother Nature out of my well-ordered 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 (add more numbers as appropriate) child household once and for all?'

The answer, my dears, is simple.

Take your 2 year old to a wedding.

Smile smugly as you enter the church, congratulating yourself on your foresight in bringing cars, colouring books and trains to keep your little poppet amused during the important parts of the ceremony. Beam gently at the young mum in front of you cradling a bright-eyed and beautifully behaved 5 month old little girl, and watch indulgently as the little trollop (the baby, that is, not the mum) makes eyes at your husband...

Sensibly refuse the offer from the church warden of a bench halfway up the church, reasoning that the back of the church might prove less noticeable should your older little angel be caught short.

Grimace understandingly at the family with the badly behaved little one a few rows in front, thinking 'gosh, we're lucky my boys are used to going to church. At least we can rely on them to behave themselves'.

Glance surprisedly at your little darling as he throws his cars noisily to the floor and tries to post his train down the radiator behind your pew.

Whisper calmly as your husband's son begins to wriggle free of your grasp, making a bid for freedom in the direction of the children's corner you didn't notice when you made your foolish choice of seat, but which is now in plain view and which it has become Boy #2's dearest wish to visit.

Wait for the first hymn to begin to scuttle over to said corner, half-inch a Postman Pat soft toy and bring it back to him in the certain knowledge that this will keep him happy for the next 40 minutes of the service.

Watch in disbelief as he discards it and demands Minnie Mouse - very loudly - at a quiet moment. (For pete's sake! Does he even know who Minnie Mouse is? Has the babysitter been putting on the Disney channel?)

Send his older brother over to fetch requested doll in hope of a quiet life, only to...

Shrink as he waits for the priest to stop talking long enough to shout 'I want Bob the Builder!' at the top of his voice.

Calmly ask him to be quiet, and recoil, as in just as loud a voice as before he answers back 'Why? Why?'

Mutter under your breath that this is quite enough thankyou, as you scoop your younger son up and whisk him out of the church, only to...

Teeter precariously as your patent leather heels sink 3 centimeters deep into the grass of the wet churchyard whilst you chase your cheeky 2 year old in and out of tombstones.

Curse - not so quietly - as you ladder your tights (would like to say stockings here but I cannot tell a lie, they were control-top) on a rose bush.

Curse - a little louder - as you realise that the unpleasant smell you have become of aware during the chase is in fact emanating from your not-yet-potty-trained son.

Whisk him away for a change session in the back of the car, and once you get there, realise that you have left the change bag - along with the toys, books and snacks - on the floor under the bench. In the church.

Stomp crossly back up the path in your muddy shoes, smelly boy in tow, to retrieve said bag.

Sneak back into the church for furious whispered exchange with confused Husband who professes no knowledge of the bag until it is located behind his legs.

Steam righteously back to the car with smelly boy and the bag to change the nappy.

Tiptoe back into the service with younger son after delivering a brief lecture on behaving himself at his ex-nanny's wedding, to be greeted by older son bursting into tears when his request for a biscuit is met by blank incomprehension on your part as to how 5 years of 'no food in church' could translate into 'can I have a snack now, please?'

Glance at husband in complete frustration.

Crack up in a fit of hysterical shared giggles that you are powerless to control as it dawns on both of you simultaneously that you - yes, you - are the parents least likely to win the prizes for well-behaved children at this wedding, and that there is...


So that's it, laydees. Want to cure the baby hunger? Take your existing children to a wedding...

No, no, put your chequebooks away. There will be no charge levied for this priceless information. Think of it as a gift from me to you...


  1. Ha Ha, so true. When did we become the families we wished would leave the church?

    We were given special seats on the front row of my brother's wedding where my then two year old daughter sat legs waving in the air and kicking off her shoes. Bless!

  2. I was trying to read your other post and poof..there was this post and oh what a treasure and what a hilarious post!

    Ah, so this is what I have to look forward to.

    Oh darn it, he's already there! Who, oh, who am I kidding?!!!!

    Oh, I'm still laughing over this. Thank you.

    And I'm sorry for your troubles.
    But at least I got a laugh. :-)

  3. WM, I don't know when we became those families, but you have to agree, the only way to deal with it is to laugh...

    J's Mommy thanks, and you know what? When I look at my two gorgeous - and oh so cheeky - boys, I wouldn't have it any other way.

  4. lovely post!

    ... strangely, i have never yearned for more babies.

  5. I was playing cafes with my 4 year old daughter and her friend. I was handed plastic plates, plastic fruit, plastic chocolate cake, a cup of plastic tea, and then the friend handed me a doll. "You get a baby to hold in this cafe" she said.

    What a brilliant idea, thought I. A cafe where just the women you describe in your first paragraph could go. They could have a cappuccino and a cuddle with a baby for 30 minutes, and leave feeling all refreshed and de-broodified. I really feel this idea could catch on.

  6. Oh that was hilarious! I have had moments like that where I just want to run and hide. Or pretend that I've never seen that child before in my life - where is that child's mother? Can't she control him??

  7. Alternatively, you could sit on the fence for a few years, then decide that you and your existing two children are far too old for another one. (Plus, once they get beyond a certain age and you have a bit of freedom, that longing miraculously starts to fade anyway), - then have a "bonus" baby in your 40's when your older two are too old to even be interested in a baby!!!

    Seriously - if you have a longing for another one, don't leave it till you're old. It's knackering.

  8. We took the children to my sister's wedding in Italy in the Summer. Luckily there was no church involved (all outdoor with a minister). I was gobsmacked that they behaved well all day. Mind you, they were the only small children there and were well and truly spoilt rotten with all the attention. (Still think it was a lucky one-off though!)

  9. We survived two weddings a year ago with the boys. Maybe it helped that we don't go to church. It gave it some novelty. That and one of the weddings (not in a church) was 3.5 minutes long, literally.

    But I feel the pain. Weddings with children are just too much work.

  10. We're off to a wedding this weekend, children not invited although they're well old enough to behave. I think they'd eat too much, though.

    In a way I'm glad they're not coming as the Instructions with the invite include this: "We would appreciate it if any children who become noisy or cause a disturbance during the service or speeches are taken out promptly. ...please don't bring toys to the church that might cause a noise on the wooden floor and please choose seating in the church where you can get to the exits if necessary!"

    This couple can't know any parents with children as they'd know that you really don't have to say these things to parents. They are all too well aware of it already. Would you dare take your kids along after receiving that?

    Apologies for long comment - I'd been planning a post before I read yours so this might translate into a post on my site!

  11. We went to one wedding when Littleboy 1 was a baby; husband took crying babe into the hotel kitchen during the speeches and ended up drinking a bottle of red wine with the East European waiter and getting totally plastered.....

  12. What I want to know is.. what did you do with the nappy sack once full?

    Oh this post rang so so true. Never a better contraceptive.

    BM x

  13. So probably the reason I ended up with three was that we somehow managed to avoid weddings and churches when #'s 1 and 2 were at that sort of age...?! (Did we?.. can't remember.. vaguely remember #1 at 9 & 12 months having more of a social time at the receptions than her parents! (There was a sound proof kids' room at the back of the Greek Orthodox church at one wedding! I remember being pretty impressed at that.)

  14. Never take 'well behaved' children to a church wedding, because you know they aren't and if you think so, you know it is only wishful dreaming. Who says kids have to go to adult functions where they don't know how to behave? It's a very badly thought out scheme that kids and official functions are a cute mix. Kids aren't cute there. No matter how well you dress them up.

  15. Grit - I can't imagine why...

    Iota, I suggest you copyright this idea - immediately!

    BMKellie, thanks for the visit, and re the boys, you took the words right out of my mouth.

    EPM, too late. I'm already old. So I will take your advice and not have one!

    HT, outside is definitely the way to go.

    Ped, the problem was that it was the boys' ex-nanny's wedding. If we had turned up without them we would have been sent home...

    GPM, no, frankly, I wouldn't have. And I would have been relieved!

    VG, no East European waiters at this church. More's the pity.

    BM, good question. Luckily for us, there was a handy bin just outside the church wall. Not so lucky for the church though, I will admit... (and it was tesco carrier bag as we had run out of nappy sacks. Oh, the shame...)

    Tracey, a soundproof room? Now that is a priest who is organised!

    Irene, on the whole I tend to agree with you though I do also struggle with the fact that if you don't take children out how will they learn to behave at these events? Also, as this was their ex-nanny's wedding, the invite was really for them rather than us in any case...

  16. Ahhh - so you and yours were the ones!

    There's always some 'family' creating a disturbance in the back of the church! Thanks for the play by play...

  17. oh sweet PottyM, so it's YOUR children that are the kids from ...was about to say hell, but given the godly theme of this post, I shall say...PURGATORY!

    So weird how the baby hunger hits time and time again tho isn't it? May you be one of the first to know that i'm.........about to buy a puppy!

    As a dear friend tells me, 'you don;t have to pay school fees, they won't answer you back, and they are always pleased to see you'

    Yep, puppy it is!

    ps: cheque on its your banker hubby in peril? You might need my cheque...

    pps that was a kind and understanding thing to say wasn't it?

  18. ...and am I Madame Pig?? why thank-you for my elevated, grown up status.

  19. Aims - 'play by play' - is that what it's called?

    Madame Pig, firstly yes, that is you... Secondly, no offence taken on the cheque and yes, we are affected since banker Husband was made redundant back toward the beginning of the year (hence his Mother Russia adventure). But every cloud and all that - we got to see Australia in his time off, at least!


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