Attn Country Cousins

>> Wednesday, 9 December 2009

It's that time of year again.

No, not the time for Christmas cheer and last minute desperate searches through the 'present cupboard' (formerly known as your sweater shelf but which is the only place in your wardrobe the children can't see or reach), in the hope that you have something suitable when visiting friends break the cardinal rule - no unannounced presents - by turning up with Lego Pods for your children when you have nothing to give their offspring in return (oh, the shame!).

No, it's far more exciting than that; it's Circular Letter time!

Now, I appreciate that for you web-savvy folk in this age of Facebook and Twitter, when your nearest and dearest not only know what you had for dinner but how long the meal took to digest, this may seem a sweetly out-moded concept, but believe me, these little treats do still appear tucked into cards all across the land.

Last year I was particularly taken with the concept that an acquaintance encountered; that of writing a round robin letter from the family pet. Unfortunately, due to allergies (both to pet hair and to the work involved in caring for one), we don't have a pet - but I got around that by enlisting the help of the ever-obliging family of mice who were at that time making far-too regular appearances in our flat.

This year, however, times have changed.

After fierce battles featuring traps, poison and plastic buckets with our furry friends I had convinced myself that they were gone...

Attn. Country Cousins.

This may be a short missive. Stop. Hope all is well. Stop. Currently in deep cover under the Floor Boards. Stop. Human Family Above-Boards convinced we have been eradicated. Stop. Not true (Clearly). Stop. They are fools for even imagining it. Stop.

Our unit is currently working on a plan for global domination Above-Boards featuring adaptation of Human Children's Lego City Police Station. Stop. We are hoping that radio comms attached to the station's roof will link us in to High Command for further instructions. Stop. And that miniature microwave will prove useful in heating up my Cornish Pasties. Stop.

Have already appropriated Power Ranger Motorbike and Transformer Rocket which Cousin Brains is converting into all-terrain vehicle suitable for Kitchen assault. Stop. Grappling irons have been sourced likewise from Playmobil set in Toy Box. Stop.

Uncle Hannibal running boot camps under the Living Room Sofa for Rookies. Stop. Casualties slight to-date. Stop. If only he would stop making the raw recruits scale the bookshelves in search of paper clips and other deadly weapons they might be negligable. Stop. Death by impalement on Lego Shrapnel not pretty. Stop.

Floorplans for target gratefully recieved. Stop. Our condolences to Great Aunt Sissy on the loss of Uncle Bert in the operation to obtain them. Stop. Those solicitor's offices can be death-traps. Stop. Who would have thought that the shredded paper he was bivouacking in would get re-shredded? Stop.

Getting light now, Humans traipsing around Above-Boards and orders being barked to 'get Shoozon'. Stop. Wonder once again what they are talking about and why it requires such emphasis. Stop. One day we'll break their fiendish code. Stop. Must stop. Stop.

Signed, Private Ro Dent.

(Yes. I know it. I need to get a job).


Potty Mummy 9 December 2009 at 10:43  

Mwa, it's not that we have them - or at least not that I've seen them - more a flight of fancy on if we did - and if they could write circular letters. Oh dear. Explaining it makes it seem even odder...

Vic 9 December 2009 at 10:47  

What is it about London houses and rodents?

If I were to do a circular with our Christmas cards (little need as my mum seems to keep the family updated and facebook deals with the rest of the world) it would have to be a series of links to relevant blog posts.

TheMadHouse 9 December 2009 at 11:01  

We have a great laugh at any that are included!!

Kim@EnjoyTheRide 9 December 2009 at 11:07  


I feel your rodent based pain. Strangely enough I didn't encounter them until I moved to the city, a whole childhood spent in the countryside mouse free. Oh London.

dulwich divorcee 9 December 2009 at 15:08  

Please don't ever get a job. Fantastic post!

Expat mum 9 December 2009 at 15:41  

I've given up with those letters as most friends are now either on Facebook or somehow know what I've been up to. Besides, everyone in England laughed at the idea!

Liz (LivingwithKids) 9 December 2009 at 19:33  

Very funny. I wish my in-laws round robin letter was half as amusing (sssh).

Potty Mummy 9 December 2009 at 20:06  

Vic, I don't know. Something to do with old buildings so close together probably. Oh and the fact that none of us have the time to vacuum as much as we might...

Mad House, the real McCoy are great, aren't they?

Kim, I had the same experience - although whilst growing up we also had a cat, which probably dealt with some of the problem.

Thanks DD! (You're looking gorgeous in that Red piece, btw)

EPM, yes, we're terribly damning of them aren't we. And yet - pre Facebook - they actually WERE a good way of keeping people informed.

Liz, I promise I won't tell.

nappy valley girl 9 December 2009 at 20:33  

What on earth are they going to do when you move? And do you think they have friends in Mouse-cow? (sorry, poor joke)

I think our mice must be rejoicing that we've gone away, and feasting the empty pizza boxes and half drunk bottles of wine of the twenty something girls inhabiting our house....

Home Office Mum 9 December 2009 at 21:40  

Your blog is a blog that I keep meaning to add to my blog list so that it is a mere click to find. Instead I always get busy and then I end up having to google potty mum and find you. And now having read this and laughed a lot (again) I am going to jolly well do it. Ok. Mark my words. Right now. Am off. Stop.

Tattie Weasle 9 December 2009 at 21:44  

Do I dare admit it - I write a Round Robin every year... in fact one of my best posts last year was my round robin letter...scary huh! Actually there is method in the madness - people don't know who I am.

Tattie Weasle 9 December 2009 at 21:48  

Oh pugger that makes me sound like a Serial Round Robin letter sender - sending unsuspecting people round robin letters which they then get really worried about because the round robin letter doesn't match up with any opf their Christmas Cards and they panic becuase they haven't sent the mystery round robin sender a card and they could land up a social paraiah before New Year!
What I meant to say was that my blog is anonymous and most of my freinds and the majority of my family have no idea that I blog and/or have no idea who Tattie Weasle is...therefore a round robin letter from me is still a heartwarming communication tool...:)

Potty Mummy 9 December 2009 at 21:55  

NVG, I would love to strike a blow for the image of female students the world over and say you're exaggerating but - we've both been there. You're spot on, i have no doubt.

HOMum, no pressure, really!

TW, it's alright, I got it. Sit down. Take a large swig of wine. Breathe... (And I'm sure your round robin is way more interesting than most!)

London City Mum 9 December 2009 at 22:03  

Love it, love it, love it. Am going to nick your idea with the greatest of grace now for next post.

V funny.


(still laughing)

Pig in the Kitchen 9 December 2009 at 23:44  

bonsoir souris de Londres. stop. continuez avec la lutte contre les etres-humains. stop. un jour, bientot, on regneront sur terre. stop. bisous, stop. Tes amis de Paris. Stop. stop. Arretez. halte. para. schtoppen. schtopp. scheiss stoppen. scheiss de merde de stoppen stoppen. scheiss de putain de merde de stoppen schtoppen halte.

Potty Mummy 10 December 2009 at 09:03  

LCM, be my guest!

Pig - you are such a show-off... (although thank you for keeping it so simple that even I could understand it).

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