The Potty Diaries

Sainsbury's, the Cromwell Road, South Kensington, London. 3.00pm yesterday.

Walking through the fruit and veg section, taking care to be environmentally conscious and pick items which have travelled as little - or as economically - as possible. My two beautiful boys accompanying me, Boy #2 in the trolley, Boy #1 making himself useful by darting backwards and forwards to pick up various items, proudly counting lemons out, bagging apples, and shunning bananas (which went in anyway).

We move towards the fish counter. I smile graciously at a fellow mummy I recognise from nursery school, looking at her 2 year old chewing on a dummy (pacifier if you are US-based) thinking to myself; "SO glad the boys both stopped with those voluntarily at only 6 weeks old..."

Boy #1 turns in my direction. Runs towards me, waving his right hand importantly as he shouts at the top of his voice;

"Bogey!"

Swallow me up, ground.


But enough of my retail humilations. The Lovely Mya has given me an award which you'll find on the right at the bottom. Thankyou Mya, I should probably have a long list of additional people to thank in an Oscar styley for getting me here, but since the latest format for award ceremonies is featuring none of that rubbish I consider myself exempt...

She has also tagged me to reveal 7 Random Facts. Lots of soul-searching here; what can I tell you that is going to be the remotest bit interesting?


Long pause.


Sod it - this lot will have to do.

1. Aged 8, my parents gave me a pair of folding scissors in my Christmas stocking. Not smart of them really. They realised this when I cut a hole in the curtains. In my defence, it's important to test these things out on materials other than paper, and the spot I chose couldn't be seen when the curtains when they were open. When they were shut, however, the sun shone through like a spotlight on a stage.

2. After a particularly nasty break-up I got so drunk with two girlfriends that I was still inebriated when I reached the office the next morning. I had to spend 2 hours sleeping under the boardroom table before I was sent home... (not my finest hour)

3. I met Husband on a blind date. You saw it here first; they can work.

4. Aged 17 - this one is really going to date me - I was so appalled by the news footage from Ethiopa that the next morning I collected £200 for Oxfam, by going round every class in school first thing in the morning and refusing to leave until they had handed over all their spare cash. The only reason I got away with it was because I had only moved to the school 3 weeks earlier, so had no reputation to trash...

5. I learnt to drink vodka working in the Student Union bar of my college because it was - we thought - the only spirit that you couldn't smell in a glass of lemonade, so could help yourself to when the bar manager's back was turned. Even if the myth about the smell were true (it's not), he probably spotted his bar staff getting increasingly drunk on glasses of clear liquid. I think he probably worked it out.

6. Husband and I once met Matthew Macfadyen and family on holiday. Very nice guy - much fatter in real life. (His wife Keeley Hawes, however, is disgustingly beautiful).

7. I have no waist.


Random enough?