>> Wednesday, 23 January 2008

So, I am going to vent. Again. I know, I know, I should learn to get it out of my system at the gym or something. But dammit, this is about the gym! There's nothing worse than going somewhere hoping to work out all your frustrations on the treadmill and then coming away feeling even crosser than when you went in...

Why am I at boiling point? Well...

First off, I discovered when I went to put my stuff in the locker that they do not have a tampax machine in that changing room. I mean, really. It's a woman's changing room. Full of women. Most of whom are at the age when that sort of thing might come in handy at some time - say, about once a month when dates get mixed up and you are unprepared.

Oh, they have vending machines, yes. For mints. For hairspray. For conditioner and deoderant. In fact, for most of the stuff that Tresemme sell in the shops. Very handy, I suppose. But surely - you are much more likely to suddenly find yourself in need of a tampax than shampoo (which, by the way, is also on tap in the shower cubicles). Or is that just me?

So, after searching the other two women's changing rooms (what can I say - it's a big gym), I finally located a machine hidden in the back of the one furthest away. Which was out of stock of all but mini tampax. Without getting too graphic, WHAT THE FXXK? (I am no longer 18. I have had 2 children. Know what I mean?).

After complaining to a completely non-understanding 18 year old Polish girl the size of a twig on reception, I made the most of what was available and stomped into the gym. Only to be confronted with a succession of nubile lovelies writhing about on the tv screens in front of the bank of cross-trainers, stair masters and treadmills. To be fair, there were also other programmes on view. Jeremy Kyle shouting at teenagers for getting pregnant and then treating the whole situation as if it was a playground spat. Fatuous morning tv shows discussing soap operas. Children's tv. Sky Sports.

Shoot me now.

Of course, the gym can't be held responsible for the rubbish quality of what's on tv. They can't be held responsible with MTV's fascination with Shakira and Beyonce writhing around on the floor and pouting provocatively at the camera. But here's the thing. Out of around 10 people using this bank of machines, NOT ONE was a man - surely the target audience for this soft porn. You'ld think at this time in the morning - straight after the school run - they would put on some equivalent for their Mummy users. I don't know - maybe some gratuitous shots of the England rugby team? Perhaps some marines in training? A few shots of some Himbo's in Baywatch?

So, having crossly used up a few hundred calories, I left. The visit wasn't a complete loss. On my way out I heard two women discussing how they could just never get organised. One was complaining how she had managed to forget her socks again.

"That's nothing" said her friend. "Yesterday I forgot my underwear. Now that isn't pretty."



aims 23 January 2008 at 16:33  

Gasp!! Britney Spears goes to your gym??

ped crossing 23 January 2008 at 16:56  

And that is why I don't go to the gym. I always leave more annoyed than I walked in.

Might have to get over it one day.

Iota 23 January 2008 at 19:47  

But better than Amersham swimming pool (swimming pool, yes, swimming pool) where they don't even have a tampon vending maching at all. Swimming pool, no tampon vending machine, and only young male attendant at front desk. Bless him, he tried his best, looking in lost property for me, and all those secret locked drawers they have at front desks, and asking a colleague. Bless him. By the end, I was silently willing one to present itself to him, not so that I could go swimming, but so that his helpfulness would be rewarded.

Named and shamed, Amersham.

Potty Mummy 23 January 2008 at 20:45  

Hi Aims, hahahahahahaha. But no.

Ped, it often drives me crazy too. But it's all worth it when those jeans do up again (at least, I'm hoping it will be. Haven't got there yet.)

Iota - oh god, that poor boy. And poor you. No wonder you had to leave the country to recover...

Expatmum 23 January 2008 at 21:02  

Do they have those eliptical machines (moving arms and legs but not exactly running) where you can slot a book or magazine into the plastic holder? You can burn off a few calories, (and vent your spleen) while reading something that doesn't have cartoon figures dominating the pages. Makes me feel intelligent even if lean is what I'm aiming for.

Potty Mummy 23 January 2008 at 21:12  

Expat mum, yes they do - where do you think I spend most of my time in there? But unfortunately I can't read on them - makes me seasick. Pathetic, I know. So I don't get to look lean OR intelligent. Just puffed. Blast it.

Jonny's Mommy 24 January 2008 at 03:09  

I could say this is why I don't go to the gym, but I'd be lying so I'll say it's because I'm lazy.

Frog in the Field 24 January 2008 at 05:58  

Did you write this at 4 in the morning?? that's what my comp tells me!! I thought I was the only fool to do that!
poor thing, it is bloody ridiculous though, cause a fuss, write and complain, get some freebies out of it.
Forgot her underwear? Ha Ha!!

dulwichdivorcee 24 January 2008 at 09:24  

Dear Potty Mummy, do love your blog, though I think anyone who goes to a gym deserves all they get ...would you mind if I added you to my links?

Potty Mummy 24 January 2008 at 09:47  

J's Mommy - at least you're honest. I just kid myself that I go regularly, but in fact I go often but not very regularly, if you know what I mean. On recent evidence, it probably works out at around once a month over a whole year. How embarrassing is that?

Frog, OK, I may be potty, but not THAT potty. (Do you really post at 4am?) Must be something wrong with the server timer or something... And yes, forgetting your underwear. Funny in the telling. Uncomfortable in the reality (not that I speak from experience or anything)

Dulwich Divorcee, thanks for the visit and the kind words, and yes I probably do deserve all I get. Got to make the effort though, don't you think? And feel free to put a link through - are we supposed to ask permission to do this? Very polite of you, I must say!

Kaycie 24 January 2008 at 17:53  

I used to go to the gym, but hated it. Now we have a bowflex and a treadmill in our home. So much better and no fees every month.

Potty Mummy 25 January 2008 at 13:23  

Kaycie, I see your point. But something tells me that if I tried that at home all I would end up with is two small boys sitting watching my every move... Of course, I could do it when they're in bed, but that would mean cancelling my long-standing appointment with the sofa and the tv...

The Rotten Correspondent 25 January 2008 at 15:52  

Okay, so I'm finally catching up. I'm sorry for my absence. You really should be more careful when you pick your friends.

My gym is women only and I really like it, especially in a college town. No meat market on the treadmill. The owners are, however, fundamentalist Christians, which is its own set of problems - believe me.

I'm laughing (with you, not at you) at how it all seems to go to hell whenever the husband goes aways, especially when they're doing something fun and we're...not. And, like you, an empty ketchup bottle in our house is tantamount to the plague. Or Ranch dressing.

And I'm off to google the make of your car because I can't seem to get a mental picture. Do I need to prepare myself?

Potty Mummy 25 January 2008 at 20:10  

RC, don't worry about it. I wouldn't be wasting time commenting if I was freezing my bits off! Am picturing you huddled on the sofa under a duvet tapping on your lap-top as you write...

Am also picturing your gym full of women exercising in complete Amish outfits - no zips allowed. Am I completely off-beam there?

And finally, you know what? If you saw our car you probably wouldn't look twice, it's so ordinary. But it's the badge that has the heritage - and let's just say, it's not the coolest heritage on the block...

Pig in the Kitchen 25 January 2008 at 20:58  

oh dear...i can't even begin to get into the tampon thing, because I become unbelievably crude and graphic and make even myself shudder. Just who do they make mini tampons for? Tiny tears?
I hate gyms. would rather run the himalayas than go and sweat in a place with a carpet full of other people's pubic hairs. Especially that woman that forgot her cacks.

Potty Mummy 25 January 2008 at 21:37  

Pig, you make me laugh loud and long. That Tiny Tears comment...

Just one thing, though. Haven't noticed too many pubes on the floor, as at the gym I go to we tend to keep our clothes on. It avoids all those black eyes on the cross trainers. Do they do things differently in La Belle France?

Frog in the Field 26 January 2008 at 10:18  

Forgot her cacks! HA!!
Pig is so very crude and funny, love it!
Yes, I do post at 4am, I did say I have insomnia, not joking!

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