Saturday nonsense.

I'm in the thick of the 'mummy wars' at the moment. Both my delightful sons have set their sights on only one objective; my attention.

• Boy #1 wants a story. Boy #2 demands a drink.
• Boy #2 wants to help with the cooking. Boy #1 needs his bottom wiping.
• Boy #1 wants a cd. Boy #2 refuses to let me up from my chair as he is sitting on my lap (and then, to assert his dominance over his brother still further, leans forward and lets rip. Charming).

This morning, to break the deadlock, I gathered up the results of my most recent clothing cull and yomped to Oxfam with both Boys in tow. Note; drop-offs at charity shops where the Boys' clothes are involved are invariably at lightning speed these days; mainly because, having delivered clothes that have mostly been worn by two active youngsters, I'm worried that the good souls in Oxfam will take one look at the contents of the bags and hand them straight back to me. Especially in our area, where unworn Christian Dior and Calvin Klein baby clothes regurlarly appear on their shelves... Somehow I think that our worn-out Gap and M&S may not cut it. So I do a smash & grab in reverse, hustling the boys into the shop, practically throwing the bag at the counter, and high-tailing it out of there as fast as our legs and the buggy can make it, before they even think to open up the booty...

So, we set off. I was in my dark glasses, Boy #2 was doing his Buddha impersonation in our pantechnicon buggy, and Boy #1 was on his scooter. In between asking me whether we were nearly there yet, falling off due to cracks in the pavement, and demanding unscheduled stops for snacks, he announced that he was 'exhausted' His legs were 'bendy'. He was 'incapable of scooting any more'. Repeatedly. This was on a walk of around 15 minutes each way...


But it put me in mind of a conversation I had with a friend this week. Her two sons are similar ages to the Boys, and she mentioned in passing that her younger one - H - is not really speaking yet.


There was a pause - I think in her case in expectation of an exclamation of horror or sympathy from me. Privately, I was thinking 'you lucky devil', but after a suitable interval I asked if this was a problem.


Friend: "Well, no, not really. But I met up with X on Tuesday and she mentioned that H is not really speaking, and asked me if I was worried. Should I be worried?"


H is not yet two.


Now, I have an opinion on people with opinions on other people's children. Namely, that they should keep them to themselves. Because frankly, unless learning difficulties are involved, by the time they are 4, most children will be at similar levels. I remember when Boy #1 was the same age as H. Barely a syllable passed his lips. I was completely unruffled by this - because I knew that with two languages being spoken at home, he was going to take much longer to start than children with only one. Plus - without generalising - he's a boy. And let's face it, we all know that girls start talking earlier (and then don't stop).


In fact, it wasn't until Boy #1 was more than three that he really started motoring in the conversation department. But with 'incapable' and 'exhausted' featuring in his vocabulary now, I feel justified in not having been overly bothered about the delay. And rather cross with the competitive mothers who told me I should be...


I told my friend not to worry. And asked if she really was that desperate to have two little angels correcting her driving skills from the back seat of the car...

Am off to the garden now with my cherubs - and am hoping not to trip over a bag of clean but rather crumpled Gap and M&S children's clothes returned to my doorstep...