How not to...

As you know, the 'real' potty diaries (featuring wet pants, laundry, floor washing and embarassing incidents in kids playgrounds and on playdates) are temporarily suspended, due to the fact that we are - touch wood - through all that with Boy #1. Temporarily, because soon Boy #2 will reach the age when we decide to put ourselves through that hell again. Actually, who am I kidding? When I decide to put myself through that hell again, probably when he's around 18 or so....


So, for the time being, here instead is the first of a not-too frequent series of posts called 'How not to.....'


How not to....break in a new pair of ski boots


1. Leave it until only a few days before departure to remember to do anything about breaking in the brand new pair of ski boots you purchased in a moment of madness before Christmas.

2. Spend half an hour searching the cupboards for where your Husband has thoughtfully stowed them (it's so unlike him to tidy anything away that the first 10 minutes of that half hour were spent in a state of shock that he ever got round to it).

3. Locate said boots. Spend another couple of minutes wondering why you went for an oh-so-subtle grey and black colour-way when what you really wanted was the burnt orange. Remember that bright colours only really work on skiers who are any good. Which you aren't.

4. Start to put the boots on. Then realise that probably your normal socks are not going to be quite what you are going to wear on the slopes, so spend half an hour searching for your ski socks. This involves a night-time raid on Boy #2's bedroom to get the crate containing the ski gear off the top of one of the cupboards in his room, in the dark, from the top of a rather rickety step ladder.

5. Ponder the irony of breaking a limb falling from a step ladder before you even reach the mountains.

6. Take crate to your bedroom, where you discover it is empty of socks. Finally remember they never made it back into the crate after last year's trip, and locate them at the back of your chest of drawers. No ladder required.

7. Put ski socks on. Spend a good minute or so thinking "Aaahhh. I'd forgotten how comfortable these are. Why do I always complain skiing hurts my feet?"

8. Start to put ski boots on. Then remember that, apart from in your bedroom, you have wooden floors. Not a good idea to skid around the flat in ski boots unless you want to wake both Boys and break ankle. (Who knew skiing was so hazardous before you even leave the house?). Wonder where you are going to sit /stand, and what on, as of course you are going to have them on for a good hour.

9. Decide that in front of the computer is probably the best idea as at least your time can be spent productively (ha!).

10. Fetch the mat from just inside front door to place in front of chair in office to save the wooden floor.

11. Realise that cleaner forgot to hoover said door mat, as assorted debris forms a trail of crumbs in a Hansel & Gretel style from the front door to the office. Oh well. She'll be back next week. What's a few crumbs?

12. Give in to OCD tendancies and sweep up debris.

13. Settle self at desk, and start to pull on first boot. Lean forward to do this. Smash bridge of nose on edge of desk.

14. Recover. Do up straps of first boot. A bit tight. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Not so bad...

15. Pull on second boot. Also a bit tight.

16. Wait 2 minutes. Realise you are losing feeling in your toes.

17. Wait 30 seconds more. Realise the bones across the top of your foot are cracking under the intense deep-sea trench pressure.

18. Fxck, that hurts.

19. GET THEM OFF!

20. Aaahhh, that's better. Wiggle toes in your oh-so-comfortable ski socks. Realise you may well be skiing only in them. Either that, or there will be frequent vin chaud stops to dull the pain. Rejoice, as finally, you have a reason for all the frequent vin chaud stops.


Stay tuned for more invaluable 'How not to... tips'.