How not to...

>> Wednesday, 20 February 2008

As you know, the 'real' potty diaries (featuring wet pants, laundry, floor washing and embarassing incidents in kids playgrounds and on playdates) are temporarily suspended, due to the fact that we are - touch wood - through all that with Boy #1. Temporarily, because soon Boy #2 will reach the age when we decide to put ourselves through that hell again. Actually, who am I kidding? When I decide to put myself through that hell again, probably when he's around 18 or so....


So, for the time being, here instead is the first of a not-too frequent series of posts called 'How not to.....'


How not to....break in a new pair of ski boots


1. Leave it until only a few days before departure to remember to do anything about breaking in the brand new pair of ski boots you purchased in a moment of madness before Christmas.

2. Spend half an hour searching the cupboards for where your Husband has thoughtfully stowed them (it's so unlike him to tidy anything away that the first 10 minutes of that half hour were spent in a state of shock that he ever got round to it).

3. Locate said boots. Spend another couple of minutes wondering why you went for an oh-so-subtle grey and black colour-way when what you really wanted was the burnt orange. Remember that bright colours only really work on skiers who are any good. Which you aren't.

4. Start to put the boots on. Then realise that probably your normal socks are not going to be quite what you are going to wear on the slopes, so spend half an hour searching for your ski socks. This involves a night-time raid on Boy #2's bedroom to get the crate containing the ski gear off the top of one of the cupboards in his room, in the dark, from the top of a rather rickety step ladder.

5. Ponder the irony of breaking a limb falling from a step ladder before you even reach the mountains.

6. Take crate to your bedroom, where you discover it is empty of socks. Finally remember they never made it back into the crate after last year's trip, and locate them at the back of your chest of drawers. No ladder required.

7. Put ski socks on. Spend a good minute or so thinking "Aaahhh. I'd forgotten how comfortable these are. Why do I always complain skiing hurts my feet?"

8. Start to put ski boots on. Then remember that, apart from in your bedroom, you have wooden floors. Not a good idea to skid around the flat in ski boots unless you want to wake both Boys and break ankle. (Who knew skiing was so hazardous before you even leave the house?). Wonder where you are going to sit /stand, and what on, as of course you are going to have them on for a good hour.

9. Decide that in front of the computer is probably the best idea as at least your time can be spent productively (ha!).

10. Fetch the mat from just inside front door to place in front of chair in office to save the wooden floor.

11. Realise that cleaner forgot to hoover said door mat, as assorted debris forms a trail of crumbs in a Hansel & Gretel style from the front door to the office. Oh well. She'll be back next week. What's a few crumbs?

12. Give in to OCD tendancies and sweep up debris.

13. Settle self at desk, and start to pull on first boot. Lean forward to do this. Smash bridge of nose on edge of desk.

14. Recover. Do up straps of first boot. A bit tight. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Not so bad...

15. Pull on second boot. Also a bit tight.

16. Wait 2 minutes. Realise you are losing feeling in your toes.

17. Wait 30 seconds more. Realise the bones across the top of your foot are cracking under the intense deep-sea trench pressure.

18. Fxck, that hurts.

19. GET THEM OFF!

20. Aaahhh, that's better. Wiggle toes in your oh-so-comfortable ski socks. Realise you may well be skiing only in them. Either that, or there will be frequent vin chaud stops to dull the pain. Rejoice, as finally, you have a reason for all the frequent vin chaud stops.


Stay tuned for more invaluable 'How not to... tips'.

16 comments:

Iota 20 February 2008 at 21:47  

No pain no gain. Isn't that what they say?

Potty Mummy 20 February 2008 at 21:50  

Well, 'they' clearly never broke in a new pair of ski boots. Why oh why didn't I just stick with crappy old rentals? (Because I wanted the swanky burnt orange, that's why).

Tracey 21 February 2008 at 02:42  

They'll feel TOTALLY different on the ski slope. Won't they? After all, they are designed to be worn on skis, not around the house. Weren't they?!

Potty Mummy 21 February 2008 at 11:40  

Tracey, so THAT's where I was going wrong! I certainly hope so... or they could have been a fairly pricey mistake.

ped crossing 21 February 2008 at 16:30  

I prefer to skip the slopes entirely and go straight to the lodge, put up my feet in comfy ski socks and drink hot cocoa and watch all the other people get cold, wet and injured.

Hope it all works out.

aims 21 February 2008 at 17:42  

It has been years since I put my boots on - sigh.

Wouldn't you know it - I moved to the province with the best skiing in Canada - and I haven't done any since I moved here.

How I remember those days tho....

Iota 21 February 2008 at 20:45  

But you didn't even get swanky burnt orange...

Mya 21 February 2008 at 20:56  

Keep topped up with the vin chaud and you won't feel a thing, but keep breakages to a minimum all the same, please.

Mya x

Jonny's Mommy 21 February 2008 at 21:35  

Ah...how to enjoy the fact that you don't ski will be my next post. My sister in law has this hilarious post on her blog about skiing...Dispatches From the Northern Outpost.. it is on my blog roll. She wrote it a couple months back. Great for a very good, long laugh.

Potty Mummy 21 February 2008 at 23:24  

Ped, not such a bad idea...

Aims, I guess it's rather like living in London and never doing 'the sights'. Not that I no anyone like that...

Iota, I know! And that makes the whole thing worse! (By the time I realised the pair that fit me didn't also come in 'swanky burnt orange' it was too late...)

Mya, will do my best. Maybe skiing down the mountain holding a glass of wine isn't such a good plan now I'm a little older in any case. Or were you referring to broken bones?

J's Mommy, will take a look as soon as I have a moment. I have tried the not skiing thing (when just pregnant with Boy #1), but the sight of everyone else setting off up the mountain all suited and booted was just too too depressing...

Elsie Button 22 February 2008 at 14:12  

just the mention of skiing fills me with horror - my dad took us once when i was about 12 and refused to get us any proper gear (apart from the skis) and we were the only idiots on the slope wearing soaking jeans. And I had a major crush on the instructor, which added to the embarrassment/horror of it all.

I reckon your boots will be fab on the slopes - all will be forgiven!

Expatmum 22 February 2008 at 23:08  

I have spent this whole week thinking a) that I would pay thousands for a comfortable pair of ski boots, but they don't seem to be on the market, and b) I might well take up snow-boarding (not really) since apparently those boots really are comfy! My shins are black and blue! Why, why?

Potty Mummy 22 February 2008 at 23:34  

Elsie, the only good thing about not learning to ski until my mid-20's was that I was in charge of the wardrobe. Other than that - I would much prefer to have had the chance at 12. Which is why the boys are being pushed into it at 4... (controlling parent? Moi?)

EPM, something tells me I will be saying the same thing this time next week...

The Rotten Correspondent 23 February 2008 at 05:11  

I see great potential in this series. The possibilities are endless!

Potty Mummy 24 February 2008 at 12:12  

RC, I know. I should trademark it... (Oh, I've written it down - so it's copyright already, hurrah!). Perhaps you'ld like to contribute? We could do a 'bloggers guide to how not to...'

Pig in the Kitchen 2 March 2008 at 21:16  

i missed all these entertaining posts! it's been half term here, so i've been a bit absent. I'm looking forward to the next instalment of 'how not to', or was it 'how to'
Pigx

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