Conversation 1: 8.00am this morning
Me: Boys! Breakfast time. Boy #1, please sit down and pull and your chair up to the table. Up to the table. Or you will -
(scream and moans and Boy #1 slides off his elegant but not so practical Stokke chair. Hugs and kisses all round)
Boy #1: Wait! Wait! I need the loo!
Me: Well, off you go then. Call me if you need help (translation - please don't end up going to nursery smelling of poo)
Silence whilst Boy #1 moves in a crablike fashion to the bathroom, pausing only to pick up a book on the way
Me: Stop right there, mister. Where are you taking that book?
Boy #1: To read on the loo.
Me: I don't think so. Now, off you go. Better hurry or you won't have enough time to eat enough breakfast for all the energy you'll need playing with Christopher later on.
Boy #1: Okaaaaaaay.
More shuffling, whilst I start spooning ready brek into Boy #2 who, whilst perfectly able to feed himself, has decided that mum does it so much better at breakfast-time. And it gives so many more opportunities to get cereal all over her nice clean shirt
Me: Are you finished?
Boy #1: Nearly...
More shuffling. I try to peer round the corner without falling off my chair and in the process drag my cuff through Boy #2's breakfast bowl. Brilliant. Boy #2 thinks this is hilarious and whilst crowing loudly, throws his cup on the floor to show his approval. The lid comes off. Double brilliant.
Me: Come on, Boy #1! What are you up to?
Boy #1: This hat is rubbish.
Me: What hat? Have you finished yet?
Boy #1: (still out of sight) I want it to go like this and it just goes down like that...
Me: Don't make me come in there...
Boy #1: I said, this hat doesn't work!
He re-appears, wearing no trousers and a pirate hat made for grown-up wear that is flopping down over his eyes.
Boy #1: Mama! I SAID, this hat doesn't work! I need it to wear at Christopher's house.
Me: Well, unless you eat your breakfast you won't be going to Christopher's house. Now please sit down and eat your Oatibix.
Boy #1: Okaaaay. (Sits down). But I need the loo!
(Repeat to fade....)
Conversation 2: 11.00am
Me: Hello?
Mother in law: Hello PM, I need to send you something by e-mail but I can't work it out.
Me: (mentally sighing and preparing for the long-haul). OK Milly, are you logged on?
Mil; Yes, of course! At least, I think so...
Me: OK, open up a new mail.(Silence). Click on the compose box.
MiL: Right or left click?
Me: Left click. (Silence). Is that OK? (Silence). Milly?
MiL: Yes, yes... OK, it's open.
Me: Fine, now -
MiL: What shall I put in the title box?
Me: Don't worry about that now, we just need to -
MiL: What's your e-mail address?
Me: We'll get onto that. First I need you to find the attachment box. It might look like a paper clip. (long silence). Milly?
MiL: I can't see it.
Me: Have you got your glasses on?
MiL: Yes! Well, I have now, anyway. Oh, there it is.
Me: OK, Click on that.
MiL: Right click or left click?
Me: Left click. Always left click - unless I tell you otherwise.
MiL: OK. Right. It's bringing up a browse box. What's that?
Me: It's how we find the right file for you to send me.
MiL: But it says open. I don't want to open it, I just want to send it to you.
Me: Don't worry about it. Click - left click - on the little arrow pointing down next to the open box, and we'll find the right file.
MiL: Right...
Me: Do you know where it is on the system? (bracing myself for the answer)
MiL: Yes. Well, I will when I've saved it.
Me: You haven't saved it yet?
MiL: Well, no. I haven't downloaded the picture from my camera yet.
Me: (trying hard not to scream) Right, well maybe we should leave this bit until you have downloaded it. What do you think?
MiL: Yes, you're probably right. I've got to go out now anyway - I wish you'd told me that earlier, I would have been able to go already.
Me: Hmmm... Ok, well, we'll talk later Milly. Husband is in town today so maybe he can talk you through it if you can't get hold of me (trans: I am going out now and will not be answering the phone when I get back - call your son in the office and get him to deal with this).
MiL: (Delighted to have an excuse to call her beloved baby at work) Well, if you think so. Have a good day dear!
Me Bye!
Is it any wonder I'm addicted to chocolate?
Me: Boys! Breakfast time. Boy #1, please sit down and pull and your chair up to the table. Up to the table. Or you will -
(scream and moans and Boy #1 slides off his elegant but not so practical Stokke chair. Hugs and kisses all round)
Boy #1: Wait! Wait! I need the loo!
Me: Well, off you go then. Call me if you need help (translation - please don't end up going to nursery smelling of poo)
Silence whilst Boy #1 moves in a crablike fashion to the bathroom, pausing only to pick up a book on the way
Me: Stop right there, mister. Where are you taking that book?
Boy #1: To read on the loo.
Me: I don't think so. Now, off you go. Better hurry or you won't have enough time to eat enough breakfast for all the energy you'll need playing with Christopher later on.
Boy #1: Okaaaaaaay.
More shuffling, whilst I start spooning ready brek into Boy #2 who, whilst perfectly able to feed himself, has decided that mum does it so much better at breakfast-time. And it gives so many more opportunities to get cereal all over her nice clean shirt
Me: Are you finished?
Boy #1: Nearly...
More shuffling. I try to peer round the corner without falling off my chair and in the process drag my cuff through Boy #2's breakfast bowl. Brilliant. Boy #2 thinks this is hilarious and whilst crowing loudly, throws his cup on the floor to show his approval. The lid comes off. Double brilliant.
Me: Come on, Boy #1! What are you up to?
Boy #1: This hat is rubbish.
Me: What hat? Have you finished yet?
Boy #1: (still out of sight) I want it to go like this and it just goes down like that...
Me: Don't make me come in there...
Boy #1: I said, this hat doesn't work!
He re-appears, wearing no trousers and a pirate hat made for grown-up wear that is flopping down over his eyes.
Boy #1: Mama! I SAID, this hat doesn't work! I need it to wear at Christopher's house.
Me: Well, unless you eat your breakfast you won't be going to Christopher's house. Now please sit down and eat your Oatibix.
Boy #1: Okaaaay. (Sits down). But I need the loo!
(Repeat to fade....)
Conversation 2: 11.00am
Me: Hello?
Mother in law: Hello PM, I need to send you something by e-mail but I can't work it out.
Me: (mentally sighing and preparing for the long-haul). OK Milly, are you logged on?
Mil; Yes, of course! At least, I think so...
Me: OK, open up a new mail.(Silence). Click on the compose box.
MiL: Right or left click?
Me: Left click. (Silence). Is that OK? (Silence). Milly?
MiL: Yes, yes... OK, it's open.
Me: Fine, now -
MiL: What shall I put in the title box?
Me: Don't worry about that now, we just need to -
MiL: What's your e-mail address?
Me: We'll get onto that. First I need you to find the attachment box. It might look like a paper clip. (long silence). Milly?
MiL: I can't see it.
Me: Have you got your glasses on?
MiL: Yes! Well, I have now, anyway. Oh, there it is.
Me: OK, Click on that.
MiL: Right click or left click?
Me: Left click. Always left click - unless I tell you otherwise.
MiL: OK. Right. It's bringing up a browse box. What's that?
Me: It's how we find the right file for you to send me.
MiL: But it says open. I don't want to open it, I just want to send it to you.
Me: Don't worry about it. Click - left click - on the little arrow pointing down next to the open box, and we'll find the right file.
MiL: Right...
Me: Do you know where it is on the system? (bracing myself for the answer)
MiL: Yes. Well, I will when I've saved it.
Me: You haven't saved it yet?
MiL: Well, no. I haven't downloaded the picture from my camera yet.
Me: (trying hard not to scream) Right, well maybe we should leave this bit until you have downloaded it. What do you think?
MiL: Yes, you're probably right. I've got to go out now anyway - I wish you'd told me that earlier, I would have been able to go already.
Me: Hmmm... Ok, well, we'll talk later Milly. Husband is in town today so maybe he can talk you through it if you can't get hold of me (trans: I am going out now and will not be answering the phone when I get back - call your son in the office and get him to deal with this).
MiL: (Delighted to have an excuse to call her beloved baby at work) Well, if you think so. Have a good day dear!
Me Bye!
Is it any wonder I'm addicted to chocolate?
Fantastic! are our mothers in law sisters?
ReplyDeleteNightmare!
I know that feeling oh so well.
i sometimes feel my mother in law is the human version of the Enigma Machine and I'm supposed to know the secret code and work out what she wants!
Ha Ha! So glad I'm not suffering alone.
I can only hope you're washing the chocolate down with wine.
ReplyDeleteGood grief! Does she do that to you often?? Can you change your number?
Hi Frog, they may well be sisters; does your MiL give you the estate agent's guide to every place she's stayed in? If yes; separated at birth.
ReplyDeleteHello RC; is there any other way to eat chocolate than accompanied by red wine? And not sure the number changing trick would work...
Oh, I love her really. She's great with the kids. Just a little clueless in the world of IT...
Oh groan, to the randomness of children, and the ditziness of in-laws! we skype ours, and it's painful and hilarious watching them trying to get the right key and peering into the camera, 'can you see us? Is this working love, OH!! there you are!...'
ReplyDeleteAaaaarrrrggggh!
Pigx
Hi Pig,
ReplyDeleteI think skype is a bridge too far with technologically challenged in-laws; am very impressed that you manage it! (mind you, my mum is no better - I don't think she's checked her e-mail in the last 6 months...)
Why do you keep a pirate's hat in the lav? Just wondering...
ReplyDeleteMya x
I wondered who would ask that question, Mya... We don't, as a rule (apart from for special occassions, of course, but enough of that). Boy #1 smuggled it in there after a pirate birthday party the previous afternoon. He is now addicted to pirate costume and wears it at any opportunity. To other (non-pirate-themed)birthday parties, to nursery, the supermarket...
ReplyDeletethey have a spiritual sister across the pond! although my mil still hasn't worked out logging on yet never mind email or attachments
ReplyDelete