When I rule the world...

>> Monday, 22 January 2018

I'm thinking of opening a cinema.  Not just any cinema, mind.  Oh no.
  • In this establishment, there will be no concession stand - not in the entrance, at any rate.   No opportunity to max out on sugary or salt laden sweets in-house before the showing begins (although I'm prepared to compromise and have the stand at the exit for customers on their way out).  To ensure no contraband makes it's way into the theatre, customers will have their bags inspected to check they are not in possession of crisp packets, bags of popcorn, rustly bags of any description, large slurp-inducing cartons of drink (although a multi-use bottle / cup may be permitted, because, the Environment), or anything else that needs to be consumed noisily.
  • Patrons will also be notified that whilst a mobile phone is permitted, there is no wifi in the cinema and their 3/4/5G signal is unlikely to work.  Because, blocking.
  • Texting is allowed (babysitters, obv), but if anyone is seen or heard making or taking a call during the movie the screening will be paused, and a searchlight trained on the offender for a spot of public shaming (they will be offered free of charge phone etiquette rehabilitation classes to avoid any future transgressions).
  • 'The cinema is not your living room' will be flashed up onscreen if any customers are spotted taking their shoes off.
  • Families, whilst encouraged to attend, will be expected to treat the cinema with the respect it and the other patrons deserve.  Before visiting this cinema parents may have to give their children a crash course in ensuring that any comments or questions they have about the plot are asked with lowered voices, and not at normal or above-normal decibel levels.  
  • Should two adults be accompanying one or more children, the adults should sit either side of their charges to avoid unfortunate bystanders being forced to endure any transgressions of the chatting loudly, crunching defeaningly, or slurping offensively kind.


Sounds awful, doesn't it?  Why on earth would a person need to come up with such a ridiculous set of rules?

Our local Odeon on a Saturday afternoon, that's why.

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