Pale and listless...

The other day, I was going about my daily business and caught myself feeling - almost - happy. You could even say, content. This shouldn't be news-worthy, should it? But it is. Of course, I've had normal ups and downs like everyone does, and with one or two exceptions I haven't felt suicidal, but since I stopped working at the end of 2005 and was thrown into the fast-flowing torrent of full-time motherhood, I have struggled. A little. Well, quite a lot, at times. I can put it down to any number of things;

• A second baby who needed an awful lot of care and attention for the first year of his life.
• A first child who wanted a lot of that very same care and attention (don't they all).
• A Husband who can't be there that much during the week as he travels internationally, a lot. (For example, our flights to Mauritius recently were on air-miles. That's a lot of flying. And if we had the time, we could do that twice a year. Business class. That's really a lot of flying. And don't get me started on carbon footprints...)
• Having walked away from a job I loved but knew I could no longer commit to.
• Living in an area where one-upmanship is a compulsory sport, and keeping up with the Jones's / Schmidts / Chirac's etc etc is impossible because not only are they in a different stratosphere financially but frankly, you wouldn't want their trappings of wealth even if you could afford it (I didn't have kids to hand them over to a nanny whilst I devote myself to looking 25 again, for example. Although I wouldn't mind it - looking 25 again, I mean).
• Post-natal depression.

And so on.

Now I'm aware that plenty of people might look at a lot of that list and say to themselves 'I should have your problems', and I have to say that on the surface I would agree. (Must be that Catholic Guilt coming through - you can take a girl out of the convent...). But knowing that didn't make any difference - I still felt like a fish out of water, knowing this should be something I loved to do, but just not making the right connections.

So what's changed?

Can you believe it? It's so simple, I'm embarrassed. Lists, that's what.

When I worked, I lived by lists. I was famous for them. It was the only way I could keep track of the myriad projects I was running simultaneously. I had lists of lists. My lists had sub-lists. The single action of making a squiggly line through a completed job, or putting a bold tick through a block of actions could make a day worth-while. (Yes, I was also famous for being a little bit of a control freak. But I like to think that's what made me good at my job. And anyone who disagrees probably got dropped from one of my lists...).

When I walked away from the job, though, I also walked away from my day book. And I think that, ultimately, is what did for me. Now, I know that in the fog of new-babyhood, the last thing you want to be doing is sitting writing lists. I mean, for the first few weeks, what would be on it?

• Remember to change baby
• Remember to sterilise bottles
• Remember to do laundry
• Remember to buy nappies
• Remember to bath baby
• Oh, and remember to bath yourself (this one can get left off for days if you're not careful)
• Remember your name

Not a very exciting list, is it? Who on earth would want to be reminded that that is what their life (admittedly, temporarily) consists of? Not me, certainly. So, I got out of the habit. And it's only recently that I've got back into it. But, oh, now I have; how could I have left it for so long? The wicked pleasure of checking your list and seeing almost everything ticked off... priceless.

Of course, I have ' stayers' on my list. Those jobs that get put off until next week. And then put off again. And then shelved again because really, they're not actually that exciting and - oh, you know what I'm talking about. But overall, things are actually getting done around here, for the first time in ages. Last Monday I even took the car in to get the wheels balanced - a very boring job I've been forgetting to get round to since August. But I put it on my list 10 days ago and, bam! It's done. Don't get me wrong - it's not that I want to spend my life ticking boxes or writing lists, but finally I seem to be getting a handle on things and taking back some control of my life. It's about time.

I think I may have found the secret of (my) happiness. 'Listless' is a word, isn't it?

I have been listless too long.