When I rule the world...

I'm thinking of opening a cinema.  Not just any cinema, mind.  Oh no.

• In this establishment, there will be no concession stand - not in the entrance, at any rate.   No opportunity to max out on sugary or salt laden sweets in-house before the showing begins (although I'm prepared to compromise and have the stand at the exit for customers on their way out).  To ensure no contraband makes it's way into the theatre, customers will have their bags inspected to check they are not in possession of crisp packets, bags of popcorn, rustly bags of any description, large slurp-inducing cartons of drink (although a multi-use bottle / cup may be permitted, because, the Environment), or anything else that needs to be consumed noisily.
• Patrons will also be notified that whilst a mobile phone is permitted, there is no wifi in the cinema and their 3/4/5G signal is unlikely to work.  Because, blocking.
• Texting is allowed (babysitters, obv), but if anyone is seen or heard making or taking a call during the movie the screening will be paused, and a searchlight trained on the offender for a spot of public shaming (they will be offered free of charge phone etiquette rehabilitation classes to avoid any future transgressions).
• 'The cinema is not your living room' will be flashed up onscreen if any customers are spotted taking their shoes off.
• Families, whilst encouraged to attend, will be expected to treat the cinema with the respect it and the other patrons deserve.  Before visiting this cinema parents may have to give their children a crash course in ensuring that any comments or questions they have about the plot are asked with lowered voices, and not at normal or above-normal decibel levels.  
• Should two adults be accompanying one or more children, the adults should sit either side of their charges to avoid unfortunate bystanders being forced to endure any transgressions of the chatting loudly, crunching defeaningly, or slurping offensively kind.

Sounds awful, doesn't it?  Why on earth would a person need to come up with such a ridiculous set of rules?

Our local Odeon on a Saturday afternoon, that's why.

On conspicuous consumption and turning into your parents

Husband and I are in London - without the kids - for a couple of 'days off' before we fly back to Moscow as a family.  I love London.  It's home (I believe I may have said that on here before...) and I hope that once we've finished our time in Russia, we return to it, but I must say that the extreme levels of conspicuous consumption that I see all around are slightly worrying.

The number of people who assumed that we were heading back here for the sales to buy more 'stuff' before we go back home surprised me;  for a start, we have two young sons who have just spent Christmas with their extended families.  How much more 'stuff' does one family need than the amount we already have to cram into our luggage allowance? (Admittedly, Husband and I are responsible for the purchase of much of the 'stuff', but I still reserve the right to mutter to myself about plastic crap when we try to pack it all away in a few days time.  It's my right as a mother, surely?)

And whilst we're on the subject of consumption, we went to the cinema last night, to see 'Skyfall'.  We don't tend to go to the movies in Russia - in fact, apart from the odd time that I take the Boys over the summer break, we don't really go at all, and certainly not just the two of us; by the time you factor in getting to and from the cinema, childcare, and then the cost of getting the babysitter home again, we might as well go out for dinner, so it's been a while since we did this.  We enjoyed the film (although Husband did wonder where all the blondes in James Bond films have disappeared to recently - to which I responded that there was only one blond who mattered and he was in the title role), but the experience left me with this question:

When did I turn into my parents?

It wasn't the sex, the violence, or the occasional bad language that makes me ask this (in fact, now I come to think of it, there was very little of two out of three of those - comparatively speaking).  It wasn't even the girl seated behind us, clearly on a first date, who was loudly sharing WAY more than was probably wise with a potential boyfriend (Mystery, ladies - where's the Mystery?).   No, what causes me to ask this question is my reaction to the constant - incessant - crunching and munching going on around me.  Sitting in that cinema was like being in the middle of a field, surrounded by cows chewing their cud.

Now, I've lived outside the UK for 3 years now, so I suppose I might have missed it.  When was the law stating that no movie experience is complete without a family-sized bucket of popcorn on your lap actually passed?