Baby steps

If you've been following our adventures in Moscow, you may have picked up on the fact that I'm trying to learn enough Russian to get by. Quite what 'getting by' actually means is up for debate, of course; does it mean being able to say 'good morning' to the lady at the supermarket check-out? To walk into the farmer's market and request 3 teaspoonful's of mace and a couple of nutmegs? To be able to order 500 Rubles-worth of petrol at the gas station, perhaps? Or to tell the babushka elbowing you from behind to back off and that personal space might not be important to her but it is to you?

Well, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll even get off the starting blocks on anything except the good mornings and the good afternoons. This is me trying to recap some of my homework before my next Russian lesson tomorrow. Admittedly, I was pushing my luck; the Boys and I had just finished dinner so they were still at the table with me as I was leafing through my index cards showing useful words...

Me: "Monday: Понедельник. Tuesday: Вторник."

Boy #2: "Mama! Mama! Can you wipe my thumb?"

Me: "Ummm - yes. Come here. What is it - oh, don't tell me. Now, Tuesday: Вторник..."

Boy #1: "How do you spell my name in Russian, mama? How?"

Me: "Well, it doesn't look the same but it sounds it..." (I translate it. Much hilarity follows at the ridiculous Cyrillic alphabet, most of which I'm inclined to agree with - I mean 33 letters? Far too many of which sound different depending on whether they are preceded by a vowel, a consonent or are stressed? I'll give them 'stressed' for Pete' sake...)

Me: "OK. Tuesday: Вторник. Wednesday: Среда. Thursday: Четверг..."

Boy #2: Mama! Mama! (Climbs up behind me on my chair, puts his hands over my eyes, ruffles my hair, generally does an impression of a limpet). What am I?

Me: "I don't know, Boy #2. Nothing I can say out loud. Can you just get down for a moment so I can concentrate on this please?" (I unceremoniously dump him off the chair and try to continue. My index cards get knocked on the floor in the ensuing scuffle. I pick them up and find I am now looking at the number section rather than days of the week. Oh well... Numbers it is, then...)

Me: "Eighteen: восемнадцат. Nineteen: девятнадцать. Twenty: двадцать."

Boy #1: "Mama, what did this fish pie cost in Rubles?"

Me: "Oh, well, the fish cost... "

Boy #2: "I need the LOO! I need it now! Mama, can you come and wipe my bottom? Can you? Can you turn the light on?" (He waddles off towards the bathroom, trousers and pants already round his ankles in readiness, and trips over a power ranger abandoned in the hall)

Boy #1: "How much did you say, Mama?"

Me: "I can't remember. I can't remember anything at all, actually. (Heavy sigh). Sod it. Who'ld like some chocolate ice-cream?"

And just in case you're wondering, 'chocolate ice-cream' is 'Шоколадное мороженое' in Russian. Thank god for Google translate; at least I'll be able to make myself understood about the important stuff...