Motherhood's Job Description

There was an article in The Times this morning about new tests that have been introduced to detect the early signs of various cancers. One of the tests mentioned to detect early signs of bowel cancer was the FOBT (faecal occult blood testing) scheme which is being introduced across the UK. Although it is non-invasive, can be done by the patient in the privacy of their own home, and is certainly a lot less unpleasant than a colonoscopy, the scheme is apparantly less than successful, with only 50% of patients approached actually taking part because of their reluctance to handle stool samples.

What are you willing to bet that the 50% who do comply is mainly composed of mothers who at some point spent years wiping their children's bottoms?

And this got me thinking about things you never expected to be part of Motherhood's job description. Here are just a few of them...

1. The ability to tune out multi-directions and criticisms of driving from the back of the car whilst simultaneously doing the school run, mentally running through your to-do and shopping lists, worrying about the fact you left the dishwasher on and the water supplies are due to be turned off today, asking your older child to quickly run through their spellings, and writing 'notes to self' on the matters of unpaid bills, the night nappy left on the floor of the bedroom, the name tapes to be sewed on, the not-small matter that supplies of chocolate have run low. And then having the strength to smile at the teacher when you finally deliver your child to school.

2. The ability to sound informed on the advantages of diesel vs petrol fuel when questioned at length by a 3 year old.

3. The ability to negotiate between two injured parties both wanting to wear the policeman's uniform from the dressing up box, and the quickness of mind to suggest that one of them be an undercover police-officer 'for added secrecy'.

4. The ability to throw inhibition to the winds and race around a park pretending to be a monster, growling, snorting, and generally being unpleasant whilst at the same time acknowledging friends and acquaintances in a 'this is perfectly normal behaviour' way.

5. The ability to distinguish a small-boy 'I don't care that Thomas is on his way to the station, you need to go to the toilet now!' smell from more general small-boy produced wind and flatulence...

6. The ability not to faint at the evidence of either.

7. The presence of mind to cope with demands from visiting playmates for a) jam sandwiches with honey on the top, b) money so that they can go and buy a magazine, c) their complaints that they are bored and that they don't WANT to go to the garden and their nanny never makes them go outside after school, and to keep smiling throughout

8. The diplomacy to smooth things over when your son tells same visiting playmate that the reason he wasn't invited to his party was because your son didn't want him there...

9. The ability to discount a certain amount of low-level stainage on your clothes.

10. The ability to forget where the nearest dry-cleaner and shoe repair shop actually are, due to lack of use.

11. The ability to apply mascara - pre-school run - to eyes that can barely open after a night of disrupted sleep, and to convince yourself that the results do make a difference.

12. The ability to zone out - with your eyes open - whilst looking incredibily interested and muttering appropriate negatives or affirmatives when being regaled with the latest Power Ranger or Transformer adventures.

13. The ability to wipe up wee first thing in the morning - without gagging and then having to go back to bed to recover - when your son over-shoots the target.

14. The front to tough it out when your 6 month-old baby throws up all over a friends' new sofa, the friend, and their expensive cashmere sweater.


Anything to add?