The Worm Turns

For nearly two years my younger son has been mainly sweetness and light. We have had our moments, certainly, but they've been either health related (mrsa, anyone?), or generally panicky (second-time) mother related.

But now - whilst he is still an unending source of joy and laughter - it is beginning to seem that the worm has turned...

You may already have picked up Boy #2's climbing ability - no chair, sofa, or bookcase is safe when he is unsupervised - and his ability to unerringly home in on any stray banana like a heat-seeking missile. But just in case you think he's not a professional at this mischief stuff, here's what I think an instruction leaflet on some of his more interesting behaviour would read like, if he could type...


1. Guerilla Tactics to be employed at meal times

Roughly 10 minutes before any meal is ready, when you decide that you've really had enough now, and the wait for sustenance is getting beyond a joke, carpet-bag Mum. Wait until she is rushing around the kitchen marshalling the troops and putting the final touches to the cordon-bleu cuisine she provides whilst, admittedly, talking 10 to the dozen on her mobile and trying to convince your older brother to wash his hands before sitting at the table (But I haven't done a pooh, mamma!), then act as follows. (Obviously.) Throw your arms around her knees, press your head into her thigh (Mum's trousers, incidentally, are perfect for removing any annoying bits of snot you may have hanging around your face), and sit on her feet. And for a perfect 10, do this as she's trying to take a pan of boiling water off the stove or a hot tray out of the oven...

Once at the table, appear to be eating the veg. Then hide it on the handy shelf under the table, or if all else fails, in your pelican bib, when her back is turned. She probably won't notice until the yucky broccoli has been removed from the table and the delicious strawberries have already been placed within reach.


2. Amusing Party Tricks #1

After a swimming lesson, when you've had fun and games pretending you can't understand what the hunky man in the surf wet-suit is asking you to do (just desserts, really. I mean, who on earth wears a wet-suit in a swimming pool unless they are trying to impress the hot French mummy of that annoyingly clever Sebastian who seems to be able to swim already. He only comes to show the rest of us up...), wait until you are dry and Mum has taken off your swim nappy at the last minute before she puts a nice clean fresh Pampers on you. Then (and this is a blinder), wee on the one and only towel that she has brought with you.

Even if the towel is bath-sheet size, if you've drunk enough pool water, the effect is magnificent.

For maximum impact, do this before she has had the chance to dry herself.


3. Amusing Party Tricks #2

Fart. Loudly. Then laugh.

Encourage your older and previously well-behaved bro to do the same. It helps if Dad is around - he usually laughs too.


4. Stunts.

This one may be difficult for those of you who don't live down steep basement steps like we do, but if you get the chance it's pretty exciting. On the way down, as Mum is bumping you back down the stairs, wait until you get roughly 4 steps from the bottom and she is distracted by complaints from your older bro about the fact that the bannister is wet. (Note; slippery stairs due to rain add to the fun for this one). Then, on step Minus 4, throw your body weight forward, causing the buggy to rock forward alarmingly, the last couple of steps to happen rather more quickly than normal, and your Mum to turn bright red and shout something unintelligible in a rather impressive manner.


That's it for now folks, but I'll be back with more tricks in the near future, and remember, if you must do these at home always remember to follow each of them up with a cheesy grin and a blown kiss to limit likely repurcussions. If these don't appear to lift the mood at all, and things are looking really dicey, finish off with a gentle stroke of Mum's cheek. Works every time - haven't had Time Out once yet. (She thinks I don't even understand what that means. No, of course I don't, Mother....).


Now, you may think I'm kidding, but I swear - if Boy #2 could type - or even talk...