Back on the Chain Gang...

Those of you kind enough to comment on my last post might already know this, but I've been a bit quiet for the last week as I've been on holiday. Hurrah! The sunny beaches of Mauritius are now my spiritual home, and the come-down yesterday on our return was not helped by the shocking descent from 28 to 8 Degs C, or the lack of central heating and hot water awaiting us at home. (As I write this I'm still waiting for British Gas to send round an engineer. He/she was due to be here between 12 and 6pm today. Am beginning to suspect we've been stood up...)

However, somehow I doubt that I'm going to get much sympathy for that, or that you will be particularly interested in my stories of caiparinha's in the evening, hangover's in the morning, or kid's clubs in the afternoon. Why is it that we never want to hear good news? I include myself in this; there's nothing more sick-making than someone telling you how perfect their trip was, when you've been toiling away on the school run all week. Really, all you want to hear are tales of lost luggage and tummy troubles... So in the interests of making this a more attractive post for you to read, here's a short list of what I learnt on our trip.

• Speedo's for men over the age of, I don't know, shall we say 25? are rarely a good idea. (Likewise those tight brief swimming shorts some men are wearing nowadays. Really. Who on earth managed to persuade men that those are a good idea. Ever?).
• If you must wear the Speedo's though (as the men in our Italian family beach neighbours did), is it really necessary to stand legs akimbo by about a meter, feet firmly planted in the sand, with your hips waggling enthusiastically whilst you discuss what to have for lunch? (At least, I assume that's what they were discussing. It could have been the state of world peace for all I know. Or they could have been verbalising what their body language was saying, and just saying 'never mind that, look at my Nob!'...)
• No matter how unfit you feel, or how non-bikini-ready you believe your body to be, there will always be another woman on the beach who doesn't feel the same way, but should. And in her bikini, she makes you seriously reconsider your decision not to wear one. If she can get away with it, you are positively a goddess.
• Re; the bikini's. Posture, ladies. It does wonders. That's all I'm saying.
• Cover-ups / kaftans / sarongs + Transparent. Why?
• Cover-ups / kaftans / sarongs + Beach Vendors. If you wouldn't pay for it at home, why pay more for it on the beach?
• NEVER (as my beloved Husband and I did) get carried away at a beach restaurant with your 'Last Day, just Sod It attitude' and say; 'The seafood platter for lunch? That sounds like a great idea...' I'm still paying for my devil-may-care approach to that one.
• If, sitting between you in the cab, on the way back to the airport, your older child starts complaining his tummy hurts, don't just assume this is (bless him) just one more way to delay the trip home. Pick him up and put him on your lap so he can see out of the window to avoid travel sickness. Unless you like vomit over your skirt, shoes, the interior of the cab and afore-mentioned child, of course.
• And finally, if your loo was playing up before you left home, and you are not in the fortunate position of employing a handyman on your domestic staff, it will still be playing up when you get back. Along with the hot water and central heating, I could do without that.

There we are, hopefully entertaining enough for you to put aside any lingering thoughts that I might (whisper it softly) actually have had a great time. Heaven forbid. And bring on the next holiday....