So I hear through family that my sister in law, half-way through her maternity leave with her 3 month old second child, is finding things tough. She says that she's 'a career woman'. This being at home with the kids lark is not for her; it's too difficult.
I feel incredibly sympathetic (no, really, I do). It is a shock to the system when your second baby arrives. What you previously thought of as hard work - looking after child #1 - is suddenly proved to have been a walk in the park. You know, when you have time to sit and look at your year old / 18 month old first baby / toddler, and the hormones do their special dance, weave their magic and you think "Aah, let's have a second one. I know what I'm doing now. How hard can it be?"
And of course, whilst everyone around you and all the books out there tell you exactly how hard, frankly you don't really believe that these tales of exhaustion, changing two sets of nappies, dealing with a demanding toddler unable to properly communicate with you, and a world that thinks doing these things are as easy as water off a duck's back actually apply to you. It will be hard, yes, but you'll be OK. Perhaps you'll even have more! I mean, you always said 2 or 4 kids, right...?
But enough about me.
What I'm trying to get round to saying is that my sister-in-law is only now finding out that being at home with your kids is just about the only job in the world for which you get no proper training other than that which you provide yourself. No wonder she's finding it hard. As a new - or repeat - parent you are simply parachuted in and expected to get on with it. And not only to get on with it, but to love it with every fibre of your being, and never complain, ever, about the long hours, the crap pay, and the lack of an appraisal structure.
I mean, obviously, you are getting to spend all your time with your children, to be there for all the important milestones, and to ensure that they are well-cared for and well-looked after.
But no shit Sherlock, yes, it's hard.
So here's one way of looking at it, for all those at home, struggling, and who are thinking that they are not cut out for this 24/7 parenting business. That they are career women / men.
Let's pretend. Let's pretend that being a stay-at-home carer is a 'proper job'.
(You know, one that you get recognition for doing, one that doesn't get regularly dissed in the press by people who've either never tried it or who struggled through their maternity leave desperate to get back to work for proper pay, conversation, wearing smart clothes and killer shoes, and the chance to go to the loo with the door shut. Aaaah, the memories...)
Anyway.
You've taken on this new and 'proper' job. It's in an unfamiliar field, but it's something you've wanted to do for a while, and haven't had the chance to do until now. Some parts of this new job are AMAZING. Some parts suck. Whilst dealing with the latter, you ask yourself whether or not you've done the right thing. But over time, although the AMAZING parts may become a little muted - simply through the fact they become commonplace - the parts that suck actually don't suck quite so much. You get used to them. You find coping skills to make them seem less awful. And sooner or later, you find you're actually becoming quite good at this new job. You feel more confident, more able to cope, and you begin to enjoy yourself.
Let's be honest though, the job descripition hasn't changed; what's happened is that you've grown into it. Sound familiar? Does that sound, in fact, like many jobs you might have had throughout your life? Well, welcome to parenting. And like most jobs, whilst there are some people for whom childcare is as easy as falling off a log, there are others for whom it takes a little longer - and I make no bones about the fact that I was one of those, too.
Until we stop telling ourselves that being the main carer should be easy, we're going to continue imagining that if we don't 100% love it straightaway we're better off doing something different.
Now I'm not for one moment suggesting that we turn back the clock and that the legions of working mums should throw in the towel and stay home to look after the kids. Please, no. Not only would the economy collapse, but everyone should do what is right for their family. On top of that, from a purely selfish perspective, I want to go back to work one day, no doubt about it, and I'll need as many of you there as I can get. (For a start, what man is going to have the nerve to tell me that my skirt is tucked into my knickers when I come back from the loo? And yes, it's happened before...)
I'm talking, I suppose, to those who currently find themselves at home and looking after their kids, and are shocked or miserable at how hard they're finding it, whether that's on maternity leave, in between jobs, or because it's the only way right now. I would just ask you to question the assumption that what you're doing - looking after your children yourself - should be easy, and not to beat yourselves up about it if that's not your experience.
I mean, why should it be easy? It's something worth doing, and when was that stuff ever easy?
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